1) This season, we shall mostly be scoring spectacular goals
OWFC have now played two games since their resident tap-in merchant and new skipper suffered his unfortunate injury (see 'injury news' passim). In that time we've scored four goals, all of which have been at least 25 yards out, and all of which have arrowed perfectly into the corner. If Sam Donald's not pinging them in from way out, Mase is sticking freekicks and volleys into the top corner, or Prich is showing that last season's long ranger at Chigwell was no fluke. Gordon even scored off the kick off for the love of God, even if he'd forgotten the minor detail of waiting for the game to start. It's as if nobody's told the midfield that even though Taro's not there, we do still get to field a striker and we are allowed to try and set him up. But hey, this is more fun to watch. By the way, if you're too young to get the reference in the title of this one, then I deeply resent you.
2) Our new ref has some odd priorities
We have a new regular ref this season, who looks like how I imagine Super Mario would look if he gave up rescuing princesses and jumping on oversized funghi, preferring to stay at home and eat deep-pan pizza all day. More pertinently, he also has a pretty odd set of priorities. Some rules are enforced with a dogged relentlessness that evokes Judge Dredd at his most belligerent, Tape on your boots grey when you're socks are blue? Not in this lifetime sunshine - remove it now if you want to play on my pitch. Slight hint of dark lycra emerging from the bottom of your white shorts? What do you think this is, France?? You make me physically sick. Get that off and don't come back till you do. Meanwhile blatant offsides, clear handballs and penalty box trips are waved away with the weary indifference of a man sat in his conservatory, trying to ignore his wife's disembodied hectoring from the kitchen so he can enjoy his copy of The Daily Express. Perplexing.
3) New world record was set for most incorrect appeals for handball by Old Radleians Hitler-hairdo'd No.5
In a big multi-sports complexes like the Civil Service Sports Ground, the air is full of different noises. Fly halves and hookers call their set piece moves. Tennis umpires call "fault" and whatever else tennis umpires shout. Paintballs thud sharply into tarpaulin. But according to top scientists at the University of Unlikely Statistics (formerly Bolton Polytechnic), 78.4% of all sounds emitted between 2 and 4pm last Saturday came from the gaping mouth of Radley's midfielder in chief. Any time the ball entered the same postcode as an OWFC arm, his shrieked "HANDBALL REFEREEEEE" pierced the eardrums of all around. Chests, thighs, even headers all got the same pavlovian response. By the end, I'd become so used to it that, to ease the transition back to normal life, I asked the missus to follow me round the house for the rest of the weekend, yelling "HANDBALL!!!" at the top of her voice every time I performed any basic task.
4) Dave Prichard hates crown green bowling and everything it represents
In both the warm up and second half, it became clear that our stand in captain was focussing most of his energies into driving shots over the bar and onto the adjoining bowling green. The first few looked like accidents, but after a while his method became obvious to the canny observer. Rain enough heavy footballs onto the delicate surface and the bowlers of W4 would have to find a new hobby. His volley into the top corner of the net for the winner was presumably a mis-cue.
5) Ed Duncan wishes he'd called this regular feature "4 things we learnt this weekend". Then he wouldn't have to point out that he saves his worst for Old Radleians.
When he's not writing about himself in the third person, Ed Duncan plays in goal for OWFC. This - he likes to think - he generally performs to a varying but reasonably adequate standard. But like all of God's special creatures, Ed's goalkeeping is not without error. And when he wants to make a genuinely terrible, humiliating, balls-out clanger, then Old Radleians are the team he circles in red on The Official OWFC Fixture List™ pinned on his bedroom wall. Twice in his life has a bouncing ball on a hard pitch looped over his greying head into the net under no pressure. Twice Old Radleians have been the opponents. He's currently planning a mini-break for the return fixture.